Foster Cline's Thoughts on Death

Unlike the lottery, death is a trip we all win. It's just that the departure date is a bit uncertain. We talk about going "to a better place" but we don't always act like one is lucky to make the journey.

However in some cultures, funerals are true celebrations. But because death is death, it is indeed a very special trip. And as death approaches those we love, it is nearly impossible to separate our feelings of loss from our loved one's need for companionship and conversation about the trip itself.

We want those we love to stay around a bit longer. So naturally, our messages tend to be along the lines of encouragement for them to linger here with us a bit longer. We encourage their attitude to fight. We negate their statements about being ready to leave, or their sighting of old man death as he moves along toward us on a nearing horizon.


But let us suppose, for a moment, that our dear one had won a lottery ticket to go on a sail across the sea to Spain. Perhaps it was a trip that he or she might have a bit of ambivalence about, but let us also suppose that the trip is, in fact, mandatory.

As our loved one thought about going to Spain, would we implore "don't pack" or "make more new friends here" or "ignore the opportunity and hang with us a while longer?" No! We would be more likely to ask questions about how our loved one felt about the trip and what the ambivalence, if there were some, might be about. What might he or she expect to find in Spain? What were his or her primary hopes or concerns? We would encourage the person to feel good about winning the trip in the first place.

And, if we felt the trip might be one that we might be lucky enough to win in the future ourselves, we'd talk about how good it would be to catch up with him or her in Spain. "Gosh, it will be great to see you there! I'll look forward to that when I can make the trip."

Death is always difficult and it is always hard to separate our feelings of loss from the other's need to make the journey. But companionship and conversation directly relating to feelings about death's journey may be helpful to all.