Foster Cline's World

Hooked on the Book - a review by Foster

2011-11-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to share with all my readers a wonderful new book I just received. Liz and Jack Hagler are wonderful Love and Logic parents that I have known for years. And they have completed a monumental work.

Hooked on the Book is monumental, splendiferous, book for kids – and, for adults. The book devotes two pages to each Bible chapter and is a great overview review for almost all of us. Not only are the verses fun to read and the pictures and expressions a joy to behold, but the timelines helped me put the bible stories into context that I, myself, hadn’t previously known – like Ruth’s son being the grandfather of David, or that the story of Job took place about the same time as the Genesis stories.

I’m writing this note just before Thanksgiving, and my grandchildren will shortly arrive. And I can hardly wait to read portions of this book to them. I want to excite them with the 10 commandments translated for kids see how they take to the illustrations of proverbs.

There are many hundreds of illustrations in this 96 page book. And I’m anticipating the pure joy of sitting down with it and my grandchildren.

Their website at http:www//hookedonthebook.com/ contains lots of fun learning experiences for parents, teachers and children.

Really, I cannot say enough about this valuable book.

DEATH OF THE OLD MAXIMA

2011-10-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

Oh, sad day!! My dear old ’87 Nissan Maxima is passing away. Hermie has dug it’s birth certificate out of the drawer where the other mechanical and electrical registrations lie in their respective folders mutely waiting to be pulled on the death of their own owners.

Oh, Maxima, I will miss you. You have run like a top for nearly 250,000 miles during 25 years; your maroon squared-off body still sleek and undented. Your masculine lines are a standout among the contemporary round and oval feminine buggies which now fill our roads. Your brave heart still beats smoothly at 4000 rpms but death is eating your bones.

The Unibody support near the gas tank and muffler has the spreading cancer of rust. My competent old mechanic, Jim Balog, the Maxima’s doctor for years talked to me on the phone, warning me of it’s coming demise as he stood examining it.

Standing beneath the hospital death bed…. I mean garage lift…… holding the cell phone to his ear, he gave me the sad news: “Foster, I think the unibody is okay…. I’m checking it now…….. Gees!!!! My screw driver just went entirely through the entire brace. It’s practically gone! This problem just can’t be repaired.”

Of course, I wanted a second opinion, and a nice young man, Joe, at Joe’s Autobody confirmed the lethal diagnosis: “That type of problem just can’t be fixed and the car is too dangerous for anyone to drive”. So there can be no second future happy owner who might buy it, appreciative of lost design excellence and mechanical quality.

Home later, I passed on the death sentence. “Hermie”, I gulped, the Maxima is headed for the crusher.”

Horror shadowed across her pretty face. “Oh no! That was my car for 14 years before it was yours!” This outburst of affection shocked me. She sorrowfully murmured she could only dread the idea of the unrepentant hooks clawing through the broken and open windows lifting the creaking and complaining car. She could only imagine the ghastly metal death screams, the old girl would utter as she would be crushed to smithereens before being hauled off to the great auto crematorium.

But wait!! There may be an option! The red note on my driver’s license proclaims “Organ Donor”.

That’s it! The old Maxima, like me, can live on! Both of us parted out. My heart swells with joyful anticipation, as I imagine some future night when a driver will peer through the dark, with my retinas, while the headlights of his buggy glow with the old Maxima’ s expensive Sylvania duel Super-Beams that I have lovingly supplied her.

What a team we’ll make! Imagine my kidneys filling the driver’s bladder while the Maxima’ s shiny rebuilt fuel pump pours yellow liquid power into a newer Nissan’s fuel injection. It couldn’t get any better than this, could it!?

Somehow, now, the pain doesn’t seem as overwhelming. I know Hermie and my entire family can appreciate the future possibilities.

Picture at:

https://picasaweb.google.com/106484616631326693897/ScrapbookPhotos

Thoughts on owning a new car. ( On a love affair with an old Maxima.)

2011-08-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

My old Maxima is 25 years old now. No rust. No dents. The paint job still looks good (It was repainted 12 years ago). The interior is not worn, but the car looks dated.

But so what?! “Dated” is a cultural phenomenon. One has to move outside the culture to realize the foolishness of something being seen as "dated". My 86 Maxima with its sleek and Spartan arrow –like look might be more appealing to Benjamin Franklin’s generation then all present upside down bathtubs shoving aside the air with their massive grills. Old cars that once looked dated, are now the pride of museums and car shows.

With 260,000 miles, my Maxima needs a new timing belt. And this blog was occasioned by the conversation I just finished with my mechanic:

"Foster, I have good news for you. Your new timing belt costs one fourth of the cost of a new timing belt for almost any car built in the 2000’s. I love that Maxima and six-cylinder. One of the best engines ever designed. I just ordered a part for a new ______ (well-known brand car) engine. And the guy at the parts department laughed and said, ‘Oh yeah, that's the car that really can use a replaceable engine.’ Not only that, but I know the part numbers for a new ________(another new car brand) by heart.”

He didn't have to emphasize that when your mechanic knows your car's part numbers by heart it's not at all a comforting sign.
All this got me to thinking about my dear old car:

* It’s been faithful. Its cost amortizes out to about $40.00/month including tires and the rare repair.

* The license plates and registration border on free. (It was too old to be a clunker under Obama’s definition.)

* Parts are cheap. (Break a headlight on a new car, and you’ll have a bill for hundreds of dollars!)

* It gets me anywhere as fast and as comfortable as a new car.

* It has a spiffy radio with MP3 thumb drive player and blue tooth music streams from my phone. Not even all new cars have that.

* Gas mileage isn’t great – 24 miles/gal. But it’ll be a long day before it pencils out to be more economical to purchase a less thirsty ride.

* No fiber glass. Its metal is steel that meant strength back in the ‘80s - before cars were made with metal that dents with slightest touch.

I’m reminded that most private planes are older than my Maxima. And probably a few of the airliners, too.
So I’ll stick with my Maxima as long as nothing else is more comfortable, faster, or more fun to drive. Or until costs of repair escalate. But you know, I don’t think that’s going to happen with this old gem. I think it would have already happened in the last 25 years!

Its value for trade or sale, has certainly bottomed out. It’ll never be worth less than it is now. And who knows, morphing into antique, it could actually go up in value.

Nothing depreciates as fast as a new car – well practically nothing. So spending a bundle to get something “new” – that really doesn’t work any better - is just not part of my make-up. I think I’ll spend some of the money I save on a canoe trailer, and invest the rest!

Foster Cline's Thoughts on Death

2010-05-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

Unlike the lottery, death is a trip we all win. It's just that the departure date is a bit uncertain. We talk about going "to a better place" but we don't always act like one is lucky to make the journey.

However in some cultures, funerals are true celebrations. But because death is death, it is indeed a very special trip. And as death approaches those we love, it is nearly impossible to separate our feelings of loss from our loved one's need for companionship and conversation about the trip itself.

We want those we love to stay around a bit longer. So naturally, our messages tend to be along the lines of encouragement for them to linger here with us a bit longer. We encourage their attitude to fight. We negate their statements about being ready to leave, or their sighting of old man death as he moves along toward us on a nearing horizon.

But let us suppose, for a moment, that our dear one had won a lottery ticket to go on a sail across the sea to Spain. Perhaps it was a trip that he or she might have a bit of ambivalence about, but let us also suppose that the trip is, in fact, mandatory.

As our loved one thought about going to Spain, would we implore "don't pack" or "make more new friends here" or "ignore the opportunity and hang with us a while longer?" No! We would be more likely to ask questions about how our loved one felt about the trip and what the ambivalence, if there were some, might be about. What might he or she expect to find in Spain? What were his or her primary hopes or concerns? We would encourage the person to feel good about winning the trip in the first place.

And, if we felt the trip might be one that we might be lucky enough to win in the future ourselves, we'd talk about how good it would be to catch up with him or her in Spain. "Gosh, it will be great to see you there! I'll look forward to that when I can make the trip."

Death is always difficult and it is always hard to separate our feelings of loss from the other's need to make the journey. But companionship and conversation directly relating to feelings about death's journey may be helpful to all.

Response to Editorial "Reject idea of war with Iran" by Trudy Rubin

2010-02-16T12:53:00.000-08:00

Trudy:

I often agree with your editorials, but “Reject the idea of war with Iran” is not one of them. Let me explain. I am a basically peaceful child psychiatrist. But I recently had an eye-opening experience in both Oklahoma City and Denver. In both cases, I happened to have Iranian limo drivers.

They were “good guys” easy to talk with after I asked ‘em where they were from, and how long they’d been in the states. I won’t bore you with the pleasant conversation I had with each, but they both spontaneously made the following points:

“Peace loving” Americans have no idea what it is like living under a theocracy and how very dangerous it is for the world and for the Iranian population.

“These guys” (their language) are not nice. They are not kidding when they say Israel (and America) should be destroyed. They will not hesitate to bomb whoever they wish when they have the power to do so. They have killed many Iranian citizens and have no concern about killing outside their borders.

To depend on the basically good (and loving) population to overthrow the government or to stop a war “is dreaming” (Oklahoma City) or “crazy” (Denver). They expounded along the lines: “Do you think the average Iranian wanted to go to war with Iraq for 8 years!!!?"

In the minds of Iranian’s leaders (“it’s hard for American’s to conceive”) other religions should be wiped out and those of another religion deserve only to die or accept Allah. If they die, they are assured a really cozy spot in heaven. The rest of us will go straight to hell.

Anyway, Trudy, when I read your column advocating “waiting for internal change,” I just had to write. Most American’s were against the war in Vietnam, and many against the war in Iraq, and this did not stop either for years. And this is a democracy for heaven’s sake! The people are supposed to have some power!

If it takes internal change to change the Iranian government’s course, according to the men I talked to (and they did sound knowledgeable), it will be long after the bomb is dropped.

Photo Essay of Western Pleasure Fiddling

2010-01-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

A Sunday Afternoon in Sandpoint Idaho.

Hermie and I decide to go to the Fiddling Jam at Western Pleasure Ranch. Hermie and I drive through the mist that snuggles in over the mountains and flows across the hills and melting snows. She pulls over a number of times and I pop out my Sony SLR and snap pictures of the monochromatic watercolors that God is spreading across the landscape.

On arrival at Western Pleasure the fiddling is has already started, and guys and gals older than dirt (about my age) accompanied by fresh-faced youth are filling the large wooden meeting with oldies that bring a glitch to our hearts. A wood fire snaps in the great stone fireplace.

Hermie and I with a few others swing across the dance floor to the Tennessee Waltz. I snap a few pictures of the fiddlers using no flash, reveling in the modern technology packed away in the Sony. When I was a kid, I was so happy with Ektacrome with ASA 400. With this new camera I snap away at ASA 4000, and could go to ASA 6400, but Sutterbug Magazine warns of noticeable grain at that speed. We chew the fat with folks attending, satiate ourselves on free coffee and eat oatmeal cookies that have chocolate chips, a new combination. After a couple lovely hours we drive home.

Up on the mountain, the lights glitter their invitation to night skiing.

Photos of this afternoon up on Picassa at: http://picasaweb.google.com/fosterclinephotography/

Cash for Clunkers

2009-09-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Responding to Barbee's note that has to do with a very conservative look at the issue: ( I noted that in blue) The situation could be calculated more realistically and show the whole thing to be even more silly. I've added my thoughts below the forward.

A vehicle at 15 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons a year of gasoline.
A vehicle at 25 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 480 gallons a year.
So, the average clunker transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption
by 320 gallons per year.
They claim 700,000 vehicles – so that's 224 million gallons / year.
That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.

5 million barrels of oil is about ¼ of one day's US consumption.
And, 5 million barrels of oil costs about $350 million dollars at $75/bbl.
· So, we all contributed to spending $3 billion to save $350 million.
How good a deal was that ???

Not only was the cash for clunkers program unbelievably expensive for the country, but it is reported that 17% of those who bought now have buyer's remorse.

I don't blame 'em.

First the government takes their usual tax bite out of the $4000.00 rebate, at 30% which a lot of us pay, that's $1200.00! That leaves only $2800.00 "savings".

Of course folks will end up paying:

Likely years of higher license fees.
Likely years of higher insurance.
Likely higher car payments - they may have had none before.

WHAT A DEAL!!!

Again the only ones who win here are the tax collectors.

My Wife's 50th High School Reunion

2009-08-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

The convention room at the St. Louis Park Doubletree is filled with 68 year-olds. They are standing together, talking or milling about and laughing; putting purses on tables, and coats on chairs to sit with old friends. The name tags have both their names and their graduation picture from the Warrior Yearbook, class of ‘59. However, the Warriors have fought their last battle and are no more. Their politically incorrect name could not be tolerated in today’s world. Hopkins now plays as “The Royals”. But that doesn’t have the same ring, does it?

I study the faces of my wife’s old classmates and try to imagine what they looked like at 18. I fail miserably. All those old women were so very pretty!! Their fresh smiles and ‘50s curls show vibrantly on the name tags. And the guys! Wrinkled faces with white to no hair were once crew cut, chiseled and handsome.

The evening of is scheduled for cold hors d’oeuvres, warm hors d’oeuvres, and dessert to be served an hour apart. No dancing, no real program. As we leave for the evening, I’m thankful that we’ll be going as three couples, attending with two of Hermie’s best highschool friends and their husbands. We’ve stayed in touch and visited over the years, and we three guys will, at least, be able to sit and relate to each other.

But that was not to be.

I found my self enchanted, talking with so many of those older men and women. This metaphor came to me:

On the outside, they were all old wine skins. Wrinkled and showing their age. However, under that skin, their souls and their personality had aged like good red wine. Their decades of wisdom mellowed them. The qualities that count; the aroma, color, and clarity, have all transformed.

One said to another, “You have so grown over the years”
“And you, too!”

By their 50th, they have been through it all and survived. There is no more need for posturing, for facades or fronts. All is as it is - all that it will ever be. There is no need for competition, for stories of what one is going to achieve or how successful one will be – the discussions that could have filled their 20th or 30th reunions.

Karen says, “Somehow we’re all the same.” It’s as if one were a good Chardonnay or Merlot he/she will remain a good Chardonnay or Merlot. Improving, but not changing.

Axel laughs easily and remains endearing. He has a little white mustache now and looks elfin. A classmate asks him, “Were you first or were you second in our class?” Axel pauses, “Oh, I was first, but to be honest, I think it should have gone to Laurel. We both got all A’s but she was smarter.”

Others there, as Hermie and I have been, have been married nearly 50 years. And I remark that when a marriage lasts that long the woman deserves a lot of credit. As I talk with Anna, I say, “Well, lasting as long as we both have has taken some compromising, hasn’t it? And it is harder, I think, for the average woman to spend 50 years with the average man, than it is for the man to spend that time with a woman.”
Anna looks at me incredulously for a moment and then laughs, as if I have stated the obvious. She says, “Yes, it is only age that slows you guys down. Now it is easier. Over the years, we focus on your strengths and qualities, and that always keeps everything going.”

Some, of course, perhaps a third, had been divorced. Perhaps all marriages have nearly equal doses of pain, disappointment and trials. And a relationship ends when those problems are not balanced by the qualities of character and perseverance.

Throughout the evening I was filled with a bit of melancholy realizing these are people who lovingly accept that they likely will never see each other again. They are so honest and straight! Why not? There is nothing to lose. I wish we all lived closer and could somehow get to know them better. These are folks who would make good friends.

The goodbyes at a 50th reunion are meaningful. Smiles and tears; hugs and kisses. And then we walk out through the marble foyer of the Doubletree and it’s all over.

Laughing in the Middle of the Night

2009-04-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

At 3:00 in the morning, old folks stir. Hermie gets up to take her
Airbourne to stave off any possible chest cold, and I’m up to make
bubbles in toilet, ‘cause emptying a bladder in the middle of the
night is just what guys my age do.

So, as we crawl back into bed, Hermie, asking about my night’s
activities, says, “What time did you finally turn in last night?”

“About 12:00”

With slight reproach, she notes, “You probably watched a movie.”

“Yeah, I watched an old Star Trek movie.”

“What was it?”

Admitting it wasn’t necessarily worth a two hours out of my life, I
admit, “About a ‘B’”

“About a bee?” she inquires.

“Yeah, about a ‘B’.

Showing surprising interest, she asks, “Tell me about it!”

“Well,” I answer, it was about a possible clone of Captain Picard, and
it’s threat to the Federation.”

“And it was about a bee?” My gosh she’s interested!

“Yeah, about a B”.

Surprisingly, she wants to know more about a Star Trek movie of all
things: “Well, tell me about it!”

I answer, surprised, “You want to know more!?”

“Well the clone was working with the Romulans, but they turned on the
clone, so it all worked out and the Federation was saved.”

“But where does the bee come in?”

“Honey, it was an okay movie but it just wasn’t that great.”

“Yeah, but I still want to know about the bee.”

“Well, the special effects were okay, but the acting and story line…..
I don’t know… It was just dated.”

With a little frustration, out of no-where, it seems to me, she says,
“Just tell me about the buzzy bee.”

And all of a sudden the light of mutual misunderstanding dawns on us
both, and we laugh and laugh.

Hermie says, “You ought to put this in the monthly contest. We could
earn a lot of money. And then we fall back to sleep.

Life on the National Helipad

2009-03-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

Luckily for me, but perhaps sadly for the nation, it is fairly simple to illustrate the results of helicopter parenting. The examples call from the headlines. I recently visited Roanoke Island, North Carolina. Near the beach, begging to be swept away by waves, stood a new condominium. The builder was finishing up. “Why,” I asked, did you build this?! Aren’t you afraid it will be swept away by the next hurricane?” The gentleman laughed, “Oh, we don’t expect these to last more than 10 years or so, but we qualify for Federal insurance!”

“What!!”

This means, of course, that the only one foolish enough to insure these at risk structures is the helicopter government. There’s a moral here:
Chronic rescue insures protection from consequences which inevitably leads to goofy thinking, poor choices, self destructive behavior and lack of responsibility.
And it doesn’t seem to matter whether we are talking about an irresponsible 15 year old; a car manufacturer who builds cars no one wants; a builder who builds at or below sea level; or a bank that makes loans when there is no collateral.
For more than thirty-five years, I have seen parents chronically rescuing their little kids and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they will one day raise a very irresponsible teen, who will eventually break the parent’s hearts while making his own destructive and dysfunctional decisions.
In these difficult times, I very much want to believe that the rules that lead to character development, responsibility and growth only hold true for individuals, families, and successful companies, but history and common sense say the rules are true for countries too.

In a well researched recent article, Vanity Fair highlighted dozens of CEO’s whose decisions have impoverished both employees and shareholders while they rake in millions if not billions. Where do these guys come from? Are they soulless or shameless? Such self righteous judgmental protests are human if not helpful. Perhaps understanding will best insure we don’t raise such Americans ourselves. After years of psychiatric practice, I’m pretty sure these guys did not grow up in families that infused them with the values that surrounded the childhoods of Lincoln or Washington.

I’m betting that they grew in families where parents were proud of their “child centered home” and whatever junior wanted, junior got. They grew with sacrificial parents who taught their entitled children that the world owed them the best; that others were there to serve, and that regardless of others, their own wishes came first.

Of course, many of our leaders grew in such an environment. So both the rescued and the rescuers all know and play the same game never recognizing other options.

A Stimulus package, packaged

2009-02-19T05:10:00.000-08:00

I’m an old guy, and as I see the crowds shout, over and over, “OBAMA, OBAMA, OBAMA, OBAMA” in a mindless chant, I am reminded so clearly in my mind, of 70 years ago when the chant was, “SIG HEIL, SIG HEIL, SIG HEIL, as Hitler led his nation down the drain.

Timothy Geithner, the present secretary, stands on stage 20 flags draped about him, smothered in red, white and blue, as he obligates our children for billions upon billions. And in my minds eye, I see the pageantry men speaking draped in the red, white and black of the Swastika which always accompanied the 3rd Reich pronouncements. The message is clear, if you are patriotic, you support the government’s policies, no matter what.

I wish for the old days, when our government officials, even in times of war, stood on a simple podium, perhaps with one lone flag, and presented their case.

Common Sense and the Stimulus Package:

2009-02-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

There are some disquieting facts that might lead most folks to pause and think:

No one seems sure what to call the economic package:

Is it, “stimulus”; “bailout”; “job creation”; “economic equalization” or “pork” or what?

Perhaps we don’t know what to call it because no one really knows who wrote it.
And no one who voted for it actually read it.
And no one knows who all will actually get it.

It all could be pretty confusing. But we can “unconfuse” it:

No matter who wrote it, who read it, or who gets it – whether banks, auto companies or mortgage holders get it, there are two uncontestable facts:

1) The government that was responsible for the laws and poor oversight that caused the problem is now the government trusted to fix it. (Sort of like paying the guy who took a sledge-hammer to the piano to tune it.)

2) One way or another, all the people who made bad decisions are going to be paid back by all the people who made good decisions.

Those two facts are incontestable.

This flies in the face of:

1) Character development
2) Common sense
3) Run-of-the-mill values of personal responsibility and acceptance of consequences.

I just read that a treasury policy maker noted, derisively, that the folks (like me) who are concerned about the above issues are “just are interested in adhering to some principles rather than ‘fixing the problem’ in this time of emergency.” That statement was the impetus for this note.

After working with people in out of personal and professional difficulties for the past 35 years:

When principle is abandoned for the sake of expediency, it never works.

Ultimately all that counts is principle, values, and common sense. Every time those three are lost, the situation is lost.

Effective Leadership and Parenting for Tough Times. Advice for CEOs, Legislators and Parents

2008-12-28T08:37:00.000-08:00

There is an essential relationship between parenting and leadership. In fact, I might say that parenting is leadership in its, "pure" form. The role of a parent is to build America's future leaders. I say that parenting is "pure" leadership because parents, must motivate their children to excel.

Good leadership is almost always motivational. But out in the real world, leadership need not be motivate. In some corporations and correctly in the armed services leadership is defined by power. An individual may work well for a company or carry out a mission without necessarily respecting the leader. Officers in the armed forces can expect compliance.

However, if parents base their leadership on power, especially with an adolescent, the result is disaster. In a corporation, a leader may fire an employee. But you can't fire your kids!

Both parents and effective leaders realize that forcing compliance is not effective. So the question comes down to: "how do I motivate people?” or life's great question in general: “How do I get people to do what I want when I can't make 'em do it?!”

Leadership types:

Love and Logic defines three types of leadership styles.

These leadership styles are obvious both in parenting and in businesses. When all goes well and people are happy and the mission is being accomplished, almost any leadership style works. Truthfully, all three leadership styles work with small children.

So the real question boils down to which leadership style works in tough times or for most people. Which leadership style works when things are not going well?

Helicopters

Helicopter parenting is based on taking care of others, rescuing them, and it generally hustling around to be helpful. Many parents and leaders resort to the helicopter style on an unconscious basis because they hope folks will be grateful and therefore comply. Unconsciously, most helicopters hope that if they do enough for people, they will become dependent and thankful for bountiful help. Their unconscious hope is that if their children need them, they’ll be nice and comply.
(Many accuse the United States government of this very course – Giving out federal dollars to encourage a dependency that will eventually rob individuals of freedom to be non-compliant or responsible for themselves. Without responsibility, there can be no real freedom .

Ultimately helicopter leadership results in a hostile dependency. Those receiving the help end up feeling angry at themselves for a needing to help and it generally angry at the other person because they don't, "give me enough". This is expressed by the well-known expression, "He bites the hand that feeds him." Or, “The government doesn’t give me enough for all four children!”

Helicopter parenting generally involves a rescue.

Wanting to rescue is part of our human goodness. But there is an important rule that must always be followed:

It is generally ineffective to go more than half way for a chronic problem people have caused themselves!

It is human nature for one to want someone else to handle his problem - It is temporarily helpful to have someone go more than half way for us. And if it is not to solve a chronic problem we have caused ourselves, that may be effective.

However, it is very easy to get sucked in to providing too much help or rescue. Once the rescue goes more than half way, for chronic problems people have caused themselves, the metaphor is pushing a roller coaster up over the top of the first hill, pushing it one car over the top. As soon as that happens, a tipping point is reached and that the situation mechanics massively change and of the pusher is no longer has control of a runaway situation.

Note all the modifying words in this important Rule for Rescue: “generally”, “more than”, “chronic”, “caused themselves”. This means it is generally quite safe to go more than half way for an acute problem or a chronic problem in that people have not caused themselves.

This important rule applies to a cousin who might be sucking off your grandfather or to a car company coming to the taxpayer for a bailout.

Ultimately rescuers and of those they rescue may develop a symbiotic or codependent relationship. They come to need each other! Parents, businessmen and the banks that go to others or the government for bailout have all discovered, once you owe people massive amounts, you no longer have a lender but a partner. Now, because of the symbiosis, the helpor has no choice other than to become involved in attempting to rescue a failing helpee or system.

Drill Sergeant Leadership:

Drill Sergeant leadership will work in those situations in which leadership is based on power. It works well in those situations where sacrifice is demanded rather than requested. It works in situations where a consensus or discussion could be destructive win a mission must be accomplished.

I remember how well this was expressed by my first Sergeant at Fort Leonard Wood when, in 1956 I enlisted in the Army at age 16:

Let's get something straight. I is here to think. You mens is here to do! I is here to tell. You mens are here to respond. That is because my mens live. In a battle, you mens won't know what to do and you will die. So you men's mustn't try to think. You mens need to listen to me!”

Obviously drill Sergeant parenting is an easy quick way parent young children: "Get up there and you do your homework now!" “Turn off that TV now!” Drill Sergeant parenting, in short, works in all situations where everyone, be it enthusiastically or resentfully, buys into the power of the leader. It is fast and it can be effective. Certainly the easiest way to govern is benevolent dictatorship. The problem, of course, is that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. So the benevolent dictatorship almost always becomes malevolent.

As I said before, almost any type of leadership works when things are going well. But when things go poorly, drill Sergeant parenting always results in mutual resentment. The leader is resentful toward the troops that didn't carry out the mission as it was outlined and the troops are resentful that the mission was demanded in the first place.

Consultant Leadership:

Consultive the leadership is the only effective type of leadership when the use of power is not an option. Thus, wise parents of adolescents rely on consultant parenting. Consultive leadership has many advantages.

1) it encourages individual responsibility
2) it keeps the problem are on the individual who owns it.
3) It leads to neither the codependency of helicopter leadership or to the resentment of drill Sergeant leadership.

Consultive leadership generally relies on the use of questions.
Now questions are very powerful. When we are telling a person what to do or even when we are rescuing them, we can never really be sure that they are paying attention to us or our message. In fact, I have heard parents give long lectures to their children about how to have friends. When I instruct the parents to ask the child what they, the parents, just said, the child boils down a 10 minute lecture into, "mom said,’ be nice’.” Think how much time would have been saved if mom had simply said “be nice” in the first place! And the only way she would ever know what her child was hearing is to ask.

When a speaker is giving a talk, after lunch, audience attention may drift as the blood sugar levels drop. And every speaker knows that the way to wake the audience up-indeed having them all look at the speaker like a deer in the headlight, is to say, "Now I am going to ask an important question and I am going to choose one of you to answer it..."

Questions are very valuable. This is why a good counselor is able to charge $50 an hour for giving good answers. But a wise therapist charges $100 an hour for asking thoughtful questions.

Even if leadership is based on power it generally never hurts to ask a lot of questions, gather information and to let people know that, in a consultive way, you care about what they think. The first step is always to attempt to build a consensus. Certainly, as President Truman said, the buck stops with the leader. However, before the buck stops it's good to talk about how it might be spent. Because a leader in a power position can always rely on his power, it is essential to try other things first. The parent of a young child can always demand particular behavior. But let's try other things first.

I sometimes hear that consultant leadership is too time consuming. But I have found that is really not true. Being a consultant leader means spending time it before the decision is made. Helicopter and Drill Sergeant leaders spend time after the decision is made when they clean up the mess. Either way time is spent.

Leadership Styles result in very different outcomes when times are tough:

Depending upon the style of leadership, there are major important differences in how things work out when things have gone wrong. We and drill Sergeant leadership has been used and things go wrong. Every body is resentful toward each other.
When helicopter leadership has been used and things go wrong there is always a result and guilt and blame. The leader feels guilty: "what more could I have done?" "Where did I go wrong?" In other words, because much of the responsibility of how things go lies on leadership, then leadership does quite a bit of handwringing. When leaders demonstrate guilt, those beneath them, and either employees or children respond with blame. Guilt and blame go together like bread and butter.

So the reciprocal relationship in Drill Sergeant leadership is resentment-resentment and in helicopter leadership is guilt-blame.

There tends to be a much happier outcome when things go wrong following consultant leadership. Questions are asked of the employees or child:

• "What could you have done differently?"
• "How do you think you'll handle it in the future?"
• "What have you learned from this?"
• “How do you think you will handle the consequences?”

If the leader shows empathy toward the child or employee the result is a delightful combination of affection and self examination: “Gee mom, thanks for understanding. Next time I'm going to..."

Drill Sergeant parenting and helicopter parenting always involve the parents overtly or covertly taking responsibility for how things turn out. The beautiful thing about consultant parenting lies in the fact that parents are there to help, give their ideas and concerns, but the responsibility for how things turn out is with the child. Needless to say, the older the child the more responsibility they can handle. No young child is capable of handling all the decisions that must be made for their own benefit.

What has happened to personal responsibility?
Where has it gone?

Ideally leadership encourages responsibility. Government should ideally encourage responsibility in citizens, and parents encourage responsibility in children. Unfortunately, at least on a national level, the opposite appears to be happening.
In the winter of 2008, there was a great hue and cry throughout America that there is a general lack of responsibility. Both individually and corporally.
Banks lent money they did not have. Huge funds attempted to back worthless securities. People invest without knowing where their money is invested. Folks take out mortgages that no thinking person would attempt. American car companies built cars no one wanted, but asked taxpayers to pony up for their mistakes. Banks sliced and diced mortgages and derivatives, not knowing what they contained and want taxpayers to pay for their mistakes. Yes everyone wants a bailout for poor choices they made.

It does no good to whimper about or decry a lack of responsibility . The concept of "Responsibility" like "acting appropriately" is one of those issues that can’t be nailed down. Responsibility is a cotton candy term. It is fluffy, it melts, but has no substance.
Showing responsibility is simply the shadow side of the more tangible, accepting responsibility.

It is only when people are expected to accept consequences can responsibility result.

This is why rescue and bail out are so ineffective in building character-either a national character or character in children.

An old man sat waiting for his flight

2008-12-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

An old man sat alone in the waiting area on the concourse in Denver, prior to the departure of our flight to Spokane. I sat across from him, and after exchanging tentative smiles, asked him if Spokane was his home. He said no, but he had, once every couple years or so, attempted to attend his grandson’s school games. He added, "This is probably the last, because I’m getting to old to travel."

Soon all of us first class and "Premier Plus" members were allowed to pre-board and I thought about the old guy as I sat there waiting takeoff while others boarded in my first class seat, and when the old fella entered the pane, I exchanged tickets. He took my first class seat, muttering, "I never been in first class." I think maybe even his eyes were a little wet.

And it was SUCH a simple thing to do!

I trooped back with his ticket, and sat squeezed into the middle seat in the cattle-class section at the very back of the plane. And honestly, I can say that I have ever had a more satisfying trip.

This whole idea about acts of kindness, isn't really for the other guy at all. I think it somehow helps our own soul to soar.
There’s an old adage about the more you give, the more ....

The Economy

2008-12-08T03:05:00.000-08:00

The national economy is in the pits. And both candidates seem to be calling for more regulation.

HOW SAD!!!!

Our main problem in America is control and regulation by government. Heaven help us that the average candidate encourages the unwitting population to think that even more government will fix the problems that govenment itself as caused!

Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac bail-outs will probably eventually cost us more than the Iraq war. And they're in trouble because of the (mainly liberal) mandate that loans had to provided to all people who can't repay the loans. Of course the banks went along with THAT mandate. They didn't want to be responsible for the bulk of those loans!

Thank God the government insists that the United States Post Office be independent and run as an independent unregulated corporation. (And
that only happened because UPS and FedEx forced to USPS to be efficient.)

If the post office were forced to mail out stamps to everyone who couldn't afford to mail a letter, we'd be bailing out the Post Office at taxpayer expense.

Relating to Imminent Death of a Loved One

2008-10-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

Unlike the lottery, death is a trip we all win. It's just that the departure date is a bit uncertain. We talk about going "to a better place" but we don't always act like one is lucky to make the journey. However in some cultures, funerals are true celebrations.But because death is death, it is indeed a very special trip, and as death approaches those we love, it is nearly impossible to separate our feelings of loss from our loved one's need for companionship and conversation about the trip itself. We want those we love to stay around a bit longer. So naturally, our messages tend to be along the lines of encouragement for them to linger here with us a bit longer. We encourage their attitude to fight. We negate their statements about being ready to leave, or their sighting of old man death as he moves along toward us on a nearing horizon.But let us suppose, for a moment, that our dear one had won a lottery ticket to go on a sail across the sea to Spain . Perhaps it was a trip that he or she might have a bit of ambivalence about, but let us also suppose that the trip is, in fact, mandatory.As our friend thought about going to Spain , we would probably not implore "don't pack" or "make more new friends here" or "ignore the opportunity and hang with us a while longer."No! We would be more likely to ask questions about how our loved one felt about the trip and what the ambivalence, if there were some, might be about. What might he or she expect to find in Spain ? What were his or her primary hopes or concerns? We would encourage the person to feel good about winning the trip in the first place.

And, if we felt the trip might be one that we might be lucky enough to win in the future ourselves, we'd talk about how good it would be to catch up with him or her in Spain . "Gosh, it will be great to see you there! I'll look forward to that when I can make the trip."Death is always difficult and it is always hard to separate our feelings of loss from the other's need to make the journey. But companionship and conversation directly relating to feelings about death's journey may be helpful.

On a near perfect day on Schweitzer Mountain

2008-03-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was nearly perfect on Schweitzer. The ski was blue, the snow perfect, and if only the day hadn't been slightly marred as only I can arrange:

It happened thusly:

I’m sliding over the ridge above the chair at midway and then ripping down around to where the chair loads. On a spring weekday, I practically have the slopes to myself. So my heart is singing and I’m looking at the frost on the trees on the mountain, not paying tight real attention to where I’m headed. After all I’ve skied up to the midway chair dozens of times. Granted, the snow is fast as it is a little packed at this time of year. But I know the area! And then I look at where I’m headed! Straight for the sign newly placed across the chair access that says S LO W in big black letters on a huge bright orange banner.

Oh no!! I snap turn as fast as I can. It’s not enough! I breeze right through the banner and one ski goes under the banner beside the left support pole and the other right ski tip slides by the pole on the banner’s outside. Shoot!! I’m going to be wiped out and wrapped around the damn pole, and probably castrated to boot! And all this taking place right where the chair loads.

Just Great!

People are skiing by looking at the idiot who didn’t either see the banner, or chose to ignore it. A couple of women ski up and ask if I’m alright as I lay there on my back with the orange banner across my chest like a covering of shame. “Yes. I’m just a little embarrassed by this,” I mutter. One woman, (I’m glad she’s not my mother), says, “That’s why they have the sign!”

I think, Oh, thanks so much, lady. That’s exactly the sort of helpful comment I so much need to hear!

Luckily, I have on my red helmet and goggles. As I struggle up, I know that if I ski the rest of the day without my helmet and with only my dark glasses, maybe no one will recognize the jerk in the red helmet who skied into the SLOW sign at midway!

Thoughts at Age 67

2008-02-16T17:23:00.000-08:00

Now, as the snow falls outside my window, in the early winter of this season of my life, I sit down and attempt here to pass on what has seemed to work for me in my life. This is not advice for others, but simply truths, that on some reflection, seem to me to best apply to the unspoken way I’ve operated.

This isn’t easy, for even to myself, I’ve not concisely expressed the goals or values that I’ve lived by. Over the years I haven’t even given much thought to personal goals or values. Sad.
I’ve somehow always managed by being impelled to action by some unexpressed and unarticulated gut feeling. Therefore, looking back I never really talked “values” or “goals” to any of my children. Although such talk filled my work with others.

For better or worse, at home, I seem to have flowed into simply relying on the model that Hermie and I vibrated to others. Certainly it was mainly her beautiful vibrations that rightly were the most powerful with our growing family.

So now, am I able to put words to the gut feelings that have guided my life? Perhaps.

However others of my generation have left more of a footprint on time, gathered more personal resources or impacted life and culture more completely. So these ways that have worked for me may not have a great deal of relevance for discerning generations.

Yet, looking back on my life, it has been a life filled with piles of love, reasonable achievements, transitory and mostly undeserved admiration and I’ve earned enough to get by.

Throughout their childhoods, and now in adulthood, my children have enevitably been, and remain, remained thoughtful, lovable people, who are, in the words and goals of Love and Logic, “respectful, responsible, and fun to be around.” They are raising grandkids with Love and Logic.

Maybe this is enough. But I have an edgy feeling that much more might have been expected of me. (Check out dream ___).

Here are the unspoken ideas, those "gut feelings" that I believe best express how I have lived:

Time, not money, is life’s most precious commodity and God’s greatest secular gift.
Money simply allows options in choosing how time is spent.
The purpose of a car is to get you from point A to point B as inexpensively as possible. Period.
When deciding on what to do in life, simply take the path that leads to the most paths.
Folks can relax by doing something or watching something. To me, the wise choice is a no-brainer.
Take nothing for granted.
Tomorrow is:

Uncertain
A gift
A chance
And will provide a life changing opportunity if I discern and take it.
Showing humility is not a virtue. It’s wisdom.
Success comes from investing time, energy and resources into good people and then collaborating with them to create something meaningful.

Living life to the fullest may mean taking risks, the most painful of which is risking hurting the people we love most.
The key to enhancing one’s life is simply to enhance the lives of others.
I go into debt only when the value of the investment has a chance of outrunning the interest. That means home and my own business...... never something that will lose a fourth of it's value on the drive home from the lot.

2008-01-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

Immunizing ourselves against Depression
Foster W. Cline MD

Did you ever wish you could be “immunized against depression?” The best immunization is a correct understanding about the way life works.

Lisa Greene is the co-author of our new book Parenting Children with Health Issues, a L&L publication. Lisa is also the mother of two children with Cystic Fibrosis. As all young mothers would be, she was shocked when, out of the blue, her first child was born with CF. She and Carl were understandably surprised, when defying unlikely odds, their second lovely little girl was born with the same disease.

In a thoughtful article for the Cystic Fibrosis network, she clarified her thoughts about life and depression. I think it might be helpful for all our L&L population if I shared her thoughts with you here. One doesn’t have to have children with illness to receive a blessing from her thoughts.

When things go wrong, I used to wonder, “What did I do to deserve this!?” And somehow I slipped, in times past, into believing we all have a “right” to some of life’s blessings. In fact, the government is busy convincing Americans that the “right to pursue health and happiness” as emphasized by the founding fathers was really a big mistake, and that Americans have a “right to health and happiness.” Just forget that pursue business! But the fact is, we don’t have an inherent right to anything, and the founding fathers had it right. And we don’t “deserve” better!

Don’t get me wrong! I’d like to believe I deserve better and I’d like to believe I have a “right” to all sorts of goodies. Because I want it doesn’t make it true. This mentally, that “I deserve” something, is what gets folks into trouble every single time they buy into it.

I have realized that it’s the “I deserve” mentality that sent me spiraling into a depression when my kids were diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. I was so caught up with “I deserve” that when I didn’t get what I deserved (healthy children and happily-ever-after) I became depressed, resentful and borderline bitter. “If I deserved it, why didn’t I get it?” and “That’s not fair. Why does everyone else get it?” And on and on.

I have come to realize that the “I deserve” mentality keeps me emotionally stuck. I end up focusing on what I don’t have (and of course deserve) rather than focusing on being thankful for what I do have. When things don’t work out the way “I deserve” them to, then I get upset, angry, resentful and depressed. After all, don’t I deserve a happy life, healthy kids, a successful career, a good marriage, the support I need with the kids, and a nice car just like all of those advertisements and fairy tales say I do?

Well, no…. The truth is: No one owes me anything and I really don’t deserve anything, either. Why is it the job of the universe or karma or fate or God to give me anything? Everything I have is a gift, a blessing; not something that I was entitled to. Because, in the end, we are entitled to nothing. Children die or are never born at all. Car accidents happen. Jobs are lost. Houses are foreclosed on. Businesses fail. Most of the world doesn’t have enough food and clean water much less universal health care, paid medications and retirement checks. I am blessed.

This new year, I am focusing on thankfulness, gratitude, and appreciation. I am choosing to look on the bright side, dwell in the positive, and to find creative ways to make lemonade out of lemons. This is why the book “Parenting Children with Health Issues” means so much to me and brings me such joy. I am doing something positive with the most difficult challenge of my life: having two children with cystic fibrosis.
Instead of being depressed about having two kids with cystic fibrosis and all of the heartache and headache that entails, I am blessed that they are in my life at all, that they are so wonderful and adorable and that we live in America with the best healthcare in the world. Instead of being upset about my husband’s recent job re-org and pay cut, we are thankful to have a job at all in this massively messed up housing market (he works for a homebuilder). Instead of griping about the changes in our insurance and prescription plans that make us pay more plus have more hassles and hoops to jump through, I am grateful we have insurance at all. I am thankful to have an incredible business partner and meaningful work that inspires me despite the day-to-day challenges. I am grateful that I have a wonderful family despite all of our idiosyncrasies and hang ups.

Do I deserve it? Not a bit of it. Am I grateful for it? You betcha. Even when the kids are sick, the house is a mess and the finances running tight.

This new year, I am focusing on turning my burdens into blessings. Would you like to join me?

This material reflects the thinking in the book, Parenting Children with Health Issues, by Foster W. Cline, M.D., Child Psychiatrist and Lisa C. Greene, Mother of two children with CF. For further information, goto www.parentingchildrenwithhealthissues.com

On the Importance of Writing for the Family

2008-01-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

Life goes on. Those who make a difference tend to look forward, not back. And life is full and dealing with the present stresses most of our coping skills. So who has time to give a glance to a book you write for your family – the musings, recollections and thoughts of an earlier life?
Making life better for others is the essence of life. If we are lucky, making it better for others will be in our leavings long after we are gone. It may be in a structure, be it skyscraper or mall, that celebrates beauty life and light; it is in the poetry that years later leads a hearts to sing and in the prose that inspires unborn generations to new heights. In my own case, I am hopeful it is in the generations of families that pass on Love and Logic techniques to make life more pleasant and fulfilling. I am hopeful that it is passed through the generations in the families and children that I have counseled.

But some things are passed on whether we wish or will it. I see my own smile in a grandson’s face. I see my wife’s mother in the expression and offhand responses of granddaughters. I look at the way my children hold their hands when stressed, arms stiff and hands out horizontally, in a posture that my brother and I laughingly named after our mom, calling it “The Mildred.” In addition to these physical attributes, there are behavioral attitudes, interests and talents that certainly reside in the twists in the alleles of that all important DNA helix. The ability to draw, passed on from Mildred Cline to Robin Kelly and her children. The love of speaking and counseling others passed on through generations of Clines who were pastors of the Church of the Brethren and now lives on in my two sons, Andrew and Winfield.

In addition to these inevitable gifts that we pass on, deep in the soul of many of us, there burns a curiosity about the lives of those who have lit the way before us. Those who have gone before are like candles that have passed their flame onto future generations. There are times we pause to wonder about those earlier flames, especially when the wax of our own candles contains identical twists of the genetic helix passed on through related generations.
Hermie, my wife of nearly 50 years now, and I have both wished that our parents passed on more of their memories to us. And after the passing of our parents, how many of us, pausing at some unknown of the past are suddenly hit with the wish, “Darn! I wish I had asked my dad about that!?”

So take a few minutes every week month to jot down thoughts, memories and happenings that you would like to pass on to children and great grandchildren. It may simply be an annotation and stories about your favorite pictures. Surprisingly, the more you write, the more worthwhile things you will have to say!

Some thoughts on dreaming

2008-01-06T17:56:00.000-08:00

I've always been most interested in dreams. And I've always felt that dreams come from more than ourselves. There have been two proofs of this in my life. One, occuring years ago, occurred when my daughter, Robin, as a teen had a very strange and extrodinary dream - unrelated, as far as we could tell, to anything occurring in our waking life. And in the morning, we found that we both had dreamed the same dream!

Last night, my son Winfield described a strange happening. He dreamt he was lifting weights. He realized, vaguely, that he was making noise with his mouth, sort of puffing out with his mouth after breathing in with his nose. It's a common thing. It happens when folks sleep on their backs. In his dream, he was lifting weights. He realized he was dreaming but also making the puffing noise with his mouth, and not wanting to wake his wife, he rolled over on his side.

At that point, his dreamed changed and his 2 and a half year old youngest son was lifting the weights. Then his son, talking in his sleep awoke both Molly and Winfield by saying, "I'm really, really, really strong!